Failing to Fill My Thermometer

I have high expectations for myself. In the 4th Grade I had a Rabbi draw different sized thermometers on the chalk board. He explained that in Judaism we do not judge other people because we don't know their thermometer, we can only be true to our own. While we can give guidance and support out of love at the end of the day we are responsible for filling our own thermometers. It was a lesson I took to my soul and I dedicated myself to fill my thermometer. This year more than most I have really disappointed myself. Not because I didn't grow, but because I didn't grow enough. I have learned more and more that I have been gifted so much in this life which makes my squandering of it so much worse. I am sorry to each of you, were my words insensitive? Needlessly harsh? imprecise? or wrong and hurtful? There are so many ways to fall short and I know I do them all. For that I am infinitely sorry. This Rosh Hashanah has been a scary mix of profound fear and hopeful anticipation of a new year. For once all things seem to be looking up with the check boxes one would make for a life. But they all seem undeserved; as I made valiant attempts to amend my clear weaknesses they seem to have gotten worse not better. I only hope I can get myself together in time. Not just for me... but for the people I meet, I hate the wake of hurt I often leave. The people who I interact with don't deserve it. To all of you since you are probably reading this, I am sorry. Last years post still as relevant as ever: Hashem Will I Die? I am really not ready to go, despite all my actions. And yet this time of the year I am always more worried than ever. Yom Kippur is supposed to be the most solemn day of the Jewish year. It certainly is as we make one finally plea for our souls. But I always found Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year much more worrying. We say during the holidays: "On Rush Hashanah it is writing on Yom Kippur it is sealed." Rosh Hashanah is actually the day we are judged. By Yom Kippur it’s nearly to late, we just pleading one last time for G-d to take our innate flaws as humans into consideration. And let’s face it, I have been horrible. I mean I have broken nearly every commandment and countless requirements as a Jew and more important as the torah tells us as a human. We actually need to apologize person to person before we can even approach G-d for forgiveness. I have done so many deeply hurtful things even a deep heartfelt apology is often not enough for the people left in my wake. The saddest part is that I know better every time. I do it and it causes nothing but trouble and pain for me. I know better but that doesn’t stop me from being a righteous prick. As life is a process, I think I am getting better, learning from my deep transgressions. I wish I could apologize more to all those I have hurt. I am sorry. I just hope I continue to get the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from my mistakes. While Rosh Hashanah is supposed to be a celebration of the New Year I have to admit that I am always scared as I approach G-d during this holiday. I just know I am not ready. RSS